Motherly Advice....Parenting...my thoughts...

 

I am taken by this beautiful piece of art, depicting a family scene. I love that it captures a moment where not all is perfect. The kite needs repair and the boy and his father or grandfather are trying to remedy this situation. The father/grandfather has obviously been working away at his whetstone, perhaps sharpening the tools with which he works his garden plot, seen just behind the fence. There's a watering can there too, as well as a rake, so obviously he's been at toil. The girl looks as if she's been working too, or at least helping, and has either collected the honey from a hive not depicted, or is offering a cool drink, mug of tea, or other refreshment to help Father/Grandpa with his musings. Under her arm is some needlework or mending, and she is wearing an apron, so she's obviously been doing something useful. We see behind her too, that a third sibling, is being disciplined by Mother/Grandma for sins to which we are not privy, so it's probably a more honest depiction of family life than many antique artworks!

 

Why do I love this painting? I guess it's because unlike many typical scenes, it shows a family at work. A family where each is helping the other. Yes even the son being disciplined is being shown that whatever his misdemeanour may have been, it was unacceptable in this family home, and he must mend his wicked ways. There are tools of labour scattered about, and a harmonious feeling of co-operation is evident. The dog looks well loved and well fed. The garden behind the fence is thriving. There is a pot of herbs on the windowsill, so clearly the garden and kitchen are connected. Everyones clothing, though worn in places, is neat, and suggests a family well loved and cared-for. The male figure cares about the children and is wondering how best to repair the kite, thus teaching the children valuable skills. The female figure is acting disciplinarian, but the child to whom the discipline is being metered out, looks well fed and clothed, and only slightly alarmed. Perhaps he ate the cheese meant for dinner. I certainly don't think his misdemeanour was anything more serious.

  I confess that I have old school ideas on parenting. I have always imagined that parenting was about providing love, a safe home, clothing, nutrition, education, discipline, support, and spiritual guidance.   I'm a tad confused these days, because parenting methods seem to be either incredibly lassez-faire (a policy of letting things take their own course rather than intervening to influence the outcome), or one that invites the world at large to comment, give a thumbs up, or inspire millions of views in order to create an income stream for parents.   I have personally experienced through nearly 40 years of my own childrens schooling and extra-curricular activities, an increasing attitude of 'I'll pay someone else to do it' or just 'someone else will do it' or just 'I can't be bothered...isn't that the schools job?'. This applies to everything from organising a first birthday party, to teaching children right from wrong.   As a good friend of mine so eloquently put it 'Do you pay someone else to have sex with your husband because you can't be bothered too?'   Somewhere along the way, if you've chosen to have children, you have to inconvenience yourself for them. Whether that means 3am wakeup calls to someone who has a funny tummy, a 4am alarm to get to a far flung destination for a sports match, trimming the entertainment budget to allow an artistic child to enjoy longed for music or dance lessons, or telling your 16 year old that no, that they (and perhaps you too) cannot go to that party this weekend, because chores and school assignments have to be completed first...it's got to happen.   Kids who are left to make their own choices too often and too early, can usually be depended upon to make poor choices sooner or later. That might be as simple as poor dietary choices, poor choices of friends, or other choices that are far more life altering and dangerous.   I've always preferred a more proactive approach to parenting. My Mum did too. We turned out okay, so I figured that I'd pretty much follow her example.   Socialising   We were allowed to have friends over to our home as much as we wanted. The friends had to respect the rules of the home, but they were welcome to stay as often as they liked and for as long as they wished, providing their own parents knew where they were and approved. I did the same for my sons and have done so for my daughter as well. As a consequence, we did not feel the need to socialise away from home much, if ever. My sons and daughter were also happy to socialise at home. I knew where they were, friends parents knew where their children were. Win-win. Yes it meant some late nights with sons playing computer games, or daughter and friends giggling and eating popcorn. But if that's the worst of it, I'll take it every day.   Studying   Mum made it clear to us that we were expected to do our best at school to prepare us for the real world. She didn't expect us all to be straight A students, unless we were capable of straight As of course, but trying your best was a given. If you hadn't done your homework, or completed your assignments, you didn't get to watch TV, go out, or have friends over. She knew, because she remained informed about our educational commitments. She knew, because she'd not only ask if work was in progress, she'd ask to see it for herself. There were a few occasions as a teen, when I was made to stay home while everyone else went out and did fun stuff, because my work wasn't as well progressed as she thought it should be. She was involved. I enforced this with my sons with varying degrees of success (I'm not perfect either!), and my daughter has been expected to follow suit. It worked for us. Yes, sometimes it meant that we as a family, stayed home from a social event, to support the student who needed supporting or supervision, as the case may have been. So be it. There were plenty of other social occasions. A missed one here and there is not the end of the world. For any of us. Education is important. Mum always said 'Do well at school and you'll do well in life. Fail at school and life will be so much harder'. She was right.   Discipline   Granted, discipline is a bit of a minefield these days. Discipline in the form of removal of privileges, is the norm and that too can be a battlefield, but there are ways, and the obvious one is isolating your children from their techno devices. A reluctance to limit the entire families access to technology, is no excuse. Like I said, maybe if the situation warrants, you have to inconvenience yourself too. Pull the plug, literally. Unplug the computer and put it in the garage. Confiscate hand held devices and phones. And yes, tell your teen that no, they cannot go to that party this weekend, unless schoolwork and chores are completed. They won't like it. They'll sulk and pout and likely yell a lot. I've had a few yelling matches in my lifetime, both as a teen, and as a parent parenting a teen. I survived. So did my teens. Watch them get their schoolwork done when there's no Facebook for 24 hours. You'll be amazed.   Saying No and meaning it   I know, I know. Saying no to your children can be really hard. But that IS part of parenting. The learning to say no, and really meaning it, sets boundaries. And believe it or not, kids can and do, thrive with boundaries. Not in the short term, admittedly. The weathering of the inevitable shouting and cussing when you finally put your foot down can be harrowing. Although the sooner you do it, the less shouting and cussing there will be. But boundaries, and rules, are part of life. Yes, they'll learn this at school. But teaching your children that rules and boundaries are important, is your role, as much as it is the schools.   You are the Parent. You are NOT the Friend. I don't know what's with this 'oh but my child is my best buddy'. That's not it. You can be best buddies when they grow up into responsible adults with a good heart, a valuable education, and a great work ethic. Being friends with your growing child is a lovely idea in books, but doesn't necessarily work well in real life. As my Mum used to say 'Yes I know you don't like me right now, but you will thank me for it later. I make the rules and enforce them because I love you'. I didn't understand it then. I do now.   Making compromises for the Greater Good   We were expected to make compromises and sacrifices for the greater good of the family sometimes too. That meant NOT always getting your own way, and often experiencing yourself, the satisfaction in delayed gratification and the genuine appreciation that it brings.   I remember one of the funniest conversations I ever had with my teenaged sons, was when my disabled son Mr A, had the opportunity to attend a course that would help him develop his speech and control of his body, skills denied to him due to his diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. The course was going to cost thousands, and I had no idea how, as a single parent, I was going to come up with that money. My middle son wanted a new pair of Michael Jordan Air basketball boots. He wanted them very desperately. As desperately as only a person of 14 can want something.   I said to him 'what's more important...your basketball boots or your brother having the chance to walk?'. His response? 'But James (the older, able bodied brother), can already walk!'. It was a smart alec throwaway comment that was part hilarious and part infuriating at the time, but at least he and we, saw the humour in it and had a good laugh. Mr A got to go to the course thanks to the generosity of some unknown benefactors, and Mr Middle Son did indeed get his Michael Jordan Air basketball boots, so clearly the Universe was looking out for us! My point is, that Middle Son appreciated his basketball boots all the more, knowing that I had made special concessions to acquire them for him. It wasn't just a case of 'I want, so I get', that seems the norm these days thanks to easy credit and payday loans. Delayed gratification is a good thing. Use it to your own and your childrens, ultimate advantage.   Don't make excuses for your kids    One of the most valuable lessons my Mum taught us, was that she would fight tooth and nail for us as long as we did the right thing. But heaven forbid. If we did the wrong thing, we would wear the consequences. She wouldn't abandon us, and wouldn't hesitate to accompany us to whatever disciplinary action was necessary, for our schoolyard indiscretions. But never ever, did she try to blame somebody else, when she knew we were out of line. Consequently, we grew into adult life, accepting responsibility for our actions, but knowing to stand our ground if we were in the right. That has stood us all in good stead.    Share your knowledge    Mum taught us so many things I don't know where Mums teaching ends, and my formal education begins. She taught us financial responsibility, how to be a good worker and a good boss, how to grow things, mend things, make do, and make hay while the sun shines. She taught us to weather the tough times and celebrate the good times, always keeping an eye on what might be around the corner, be it good, bad or indifferent. She set our expectations for future relationships and made sure that we valued our loved ones above financial gain. We learned that trying to impress people is a fools game and that the only people that you need to impress, are your family. She showed us by her example that people are important, not possessions.   Be Glad   Glad: adjective meaning: happy, pleased, grateful, delighted, thrilled, gleeful   Glad is such an old fashioned word, isn't it? It means so many little emotions all at once. It seems odd for kids, but we learned to appreciate the small things in life. We didn't demand too many material things. Mum took us on an annual beach holiday, where we were glad we could swim and have an icy pole from the refrigerator of the houses in which we stayed when we got home all hot and sweaty from our walk back from the beach. We were glad when we had new swimsuits and a new beachtowel for our holiday. We were glad when she'd surprise us with a whole packet of lollies to ourselves instead of having to share one with our siblings. We were glad to have friends come on holiday with us. We were glad that we lived in a loving, peaceful family home where Mum knew how to keep seven kids and their friends happy with next to nothing. Teach your children to value the little things. Teach them to Be Glad.   I was not, and still am not, a perfect parent. My kids have their faults. I have always tried though, to make them behave like decent human beings. Ultimately that is the measure I think.   What do you think? What are your most valuable parenting tips?   ...Mimi...